Let’s Get It On

SYNOPSIS: We all have questions about sex … many we don’t feel comfortable asking. In this lesson we will discuss why. From the beginning we have been told lies, not truth, and been led to believe that sex is something dirty or something of which we should feel shame. God intended something totally different – something beautiful, pure, and intimate. This is a discussion to help us uncover the truth and learn to drop the fig leaf to discuss our questions about sex and intimacy.

Icebreaker:
• What and/or who was the source of most of your sex education? (parents, school, TV, movies, friend’s magazines, computer, experience, etc.)
• In your opinion, why is sex so hard or embarrassing to discuss?

Read Genesis 2:22-3:13.
22 The LORD God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. 23 The man said,

“This is now bone of my bones,
And flesh of my flesh;
She shall be called Woman,
Because she was taken out of Man.”

24 For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. 25 And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.
1 Now the serpent was more crafty than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said to the woman, “Indeed, has God said, ‘You shall not eat from any tree of the garden’?” 2 The woman said to the serpent, “From the fruit of the trees of the garden we may eat; 3 but from the fruit of the tree which is in the middle of the garden, God has said, ‘You shall not eat from it or touch it, or you will die.’” 4 The serpent said to the woman, “You surely will not die! 5 For God knows that in the day you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” 6 When the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was desirable to make one wise, she took from its fruit and ate; and she gave also to her husband with her, and he ate. 7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loin coverings.
8 They heard the sound of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God among the trees of the garden. 9 Then the LORD God called to the man, and said to him, “Where are you?” 10 He said, “I heard the sound of You in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid myself.” 11 And He said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?” 12 The man said, “The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me from the tree, and I ate.” 13 Then the LORD God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?” And the woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”

Group Discussion Questions:

1. V. 25 What does it mean that Adam and Eve were “naked and were not ashamed”?
2. V. 24 What does it mean to be “one flesh”?
3. Before sin, how would you characterize Adam and Eve’s relationship? Their relationship with God?
4. What can we learn about God’s view of sexuality from this passage?

Read Genesis 3:7-8 (see above).

Considering what you have learned about intimacy in this series…

Intimacy Defined: a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.
• The state or condition of being intimate; the capacity to relate to another person in an emotionally open, equal, and caring way.
• An instance of being intimate; a close, trusting, confidential friendship (or personal relationship) between two people who are completely at ease with one another and feel free to express their innermost feelings.

Types of Intimacy
• Emotional – the ability to share ones inner thoughts and feelings with another person or being emotionally uncovered with another person w/o fear of being judged or injured; women tend to value emotional intimacy highly
• Physical – expressing closeness through affectionate and sexual touch; men tend to value physical intimacy highly
• Spiritual – the ability to share one’s beliefs, values, and morals with another person w/o fear of judgment; the ability to authentically pray out loud with someone

5. Why did Adam and Eve hide after they sinned?
6. In what ways are we still hiding today?
7. How did this event change our ability to have intimacy with God and each other?
8. How did this event distort God’s purpose & view of sex?
9. How did it distort our view of sex?

Satan corrupts the things that God loves! What has Satan Corrupted more than sex? This was not God’s desire…sex is a beautiful gift given to us by God so that we could experience the ultimate example of intimacy. It’s time we drop the leaf and understand sex and intimacy the way God intended!

UNCOVER: Sex Q & A

LEADER’S NOTE: We have provided a few starter questions and answers about sex and intimacy for your discussion. This is meant to help supplement your own group’s questions and discussion.

To facilitate this week’s conversation, divide the men and women into small sub-groups for discussion. Make sure someone has been designated to facilitate the conversation in each sub-group.

Rule #1 – Keep intimacy in mind! Remember that in the beginning God’s design for sex was for us to experience the greatest example of intimacy. Most questions about what you can and can’t do could be answered by simply asking, “does this help/allow us to grow closer intimately with each other or is this just for my enjoyment”?

QUESTIONS FOR MARRIED PEOPLE:

Question 1: What are some non-sexual ways to build marital intimacy?

Answer 1: There are many, so ask your spouse, but they include:
• Giving gifts, big and small
• Massaging
• Cuddling
• Having heartfelt conversation (actually paying attention and responding well)
• Bathing together
• Holding hands
• Sitting together, walking together, and simply being together
• Calling, emailing, and/or text messaging one another throughout the day
• Handwriting notes, cards, and love letters
• Serving one another in practical ways and being willing to help with whatever your spouse needs
• Walking with God so that you are a safe, trustworthy person
• Snuggling, petting, cuddling, kissing, and chatting after sex instead of just falling asleep
• Worshiping God together in prayer, ministry, service, song, and Bible study

Question 2: What are some of the freedoms the Bible gives for married lovemaking?

Answer 2: The Song of Songs gives great liberty for sexual freedom and the full use of all five senses.
• Kissing (Song 1:2)
• Oral/fellatio-her initiative (Song 2:3)
• Manual stimulation-her invitation (Song 2:6)
• Petting-his initiative (Song 4:5)
• Oral/cunnilingus-his initiative (Song 4:12-5:1)
• Striptease (Song 6:13b-7:9)
• New places, positions, etc., including outdoors-her initiative (Song 7:11-13)

Question 3: How often should a married couple make love?

Answer 3: Christian lovemaking should be frequent.
The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Cor. 7:3-5)
Most studies say that the average couple is intimate two to three times a week. So, while there is no number that is prescribed in Scripture, intimacy should be often enough for each spouse to be satisfied, which for some can be every day.

Question 4: What should we do if one of us does not feel in the mood for sex?

Answer 4: Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Cor. 7:5)

Christian marriage is about loving, mutual service both in and out of the bedroom. There will be times when one spouse is in the mood and the other is not. Those are occasions for the spouse who is not in the mood to serve the other in love, knowing that there will be times when the scenario is reversed and they too will be served. God often blesses this kind of covenantal loving obedience and changes the spouse’s desires so that they are both in the mood once they begin their intimacy. If not being in the mood is habitual, there is usually something that needs to be worked on outside of the bedroom (communication, past abuse, hurt, argument, etc.). At times there might need to be an emotional connection before the physical connection can be enjoyed or desired.

The most important thing to remember is that Christian marriage is about loving, mutual service. So for one partner to assert their “rights” on the other is not the way to go. You may find greater fulfillment in selflessly laying down your rights, desires, and appetites to serve the other. See the following: Philippians 2:1-11; Ephesians; 5: 22-33; John 15:12-13

Question 5: What are some resources on marriage and sex?

Answer 5:

Sex for married couples:
A Celebration of Sex by Douglas E. Rosenau
Intimacy Ignited by Joseph and Linda Dillow and Peter and Lorraine Pintus
When Two Become One: Enhancing Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by Christopher & Rachel McCluskey
Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by Kevin Leman

Marriage for couples:
God, Marriage, and Family by Andreas J. Kostenberger
Love That Lasts by Gary and Betsy Ricucci
Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas
Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work by John Gottman
Andy Stanley’s CD series: Staying in love

Sex for husbands:
Fidelity by Douglas Wilson

Sex for wives:
Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus

Books on sexual addiction:
Addictions by Edward T. Welch
Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction by Mark Lasser

For single adults:
Soul Virgins: Redefining Single Sexuality by Doug Rosenau & Michael Todd Wilson
Andy Stanley’s CD series: New Rules of Love, Sex and Dating

QUESTIONS FOR UNMARRIED PEOPLE

Question 1: How far can unmarried people go sexually?

Answer 1: The repeated refrain of the Song of Songs is to not awaken love before its time. Therefore, the issue is not where is the line, but when is the time. The Bible says nothing of sexual contact of any sort or kind before marriage, as sexual pleasure is reserved for the right person, at the right time, in the right way-which is all in the context of heterosexual covenantal marriage. The NIV translation of Ephesians 5:3 says,” But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.”

In 1 Corinthians 7:1 Paul tells single men that they should not touch any woman in any sexual manner. Also, in 1 Timothy 5:1-2, men are encouraged to treat young women as sisters. Thus, since brothers and sisters can and do talk, serve together, enjoy one another’s company, etc., there are acceptable non-sexual ways for single Christians to build their relationship in pursuit of marriage. Lastly, in asking how far one can go, there is sin in the heart because the motive is to get as close to sin as possible rather than getting as close to Jesus as possible. The issue is not where is the line, but rather where is your heart and when is the time. That time is marriage.

Question 2: How can dating/engaged couples have intimacy and stay sexually pure?

Answer 2: There are many, so ask your partner, but they include:
• Giving gifts, big and small
• Cuddling
• Having heartfelt conversation (actually paying attention and responding well)
• Holding hands
• Sitting together, walking together, and simply being together
• Calling, emailing, and/or text messaging one another throughout the day
• Handwriting notes, cards, and love letters
• Serving one another in practical ways and being willing to help with whatever your partner needs
• Walking with God so that you are a safe, trustworthy person
• Worshiping God together in prayer, ministry, service, song, and Bible study

Question 3: What can I do to stop being tempted sexually?

Answer 3: Hebrews 4:15 tells us that Jesus was tempted in every way as we are, yet he did not sin. Because Jesus was a fully human virgin male, we can safely assume that some of the temptations he faced were sexual in nature. But Jesus never gave in to those temptations. He is our sinless and perfect God. Thus, it is not a sin for temptation to come to you, but it is a sin to give in to temptation. We must accept that in a fallen and sinful world, we will continually face various kinds of sexual temptation but must learn to run from them. A great example from Scripture is the time that Joseph literally ran from the sexual advances of a married woman in Genesis 39.
Simple resistance is often a futile endeavor except for the highly disciplined. And if you are highly disciplined you probably aren’t worried about this one. But if you are like most people you need something more. You need the strength of Jesus himself. In Colossians 3: 1-17 Paul gives us great insight into the human mind and condition. As well as a great strategy to overcome sin.

First we must understand who are in Christ; we are no longer slaves to sin, we are a new creation that is free from that bondage. We are to consider ourselves dead to those acts and set our minds on the things above. As we fall more in love with Jesus and move deeper into our relationship with him the sinful desires lose their power. For further reading on this topic, see Galatians 5-6 and Roman 7-8.

Group Discussion Questions:
1. In your opinion is God’s view of intimacy still possible in our world today?
2. What had God done to help make true intimacy possible in our relationships today?

If we want to experience sexual intimacy the way God designed it we have to stop hiding! Stop hiding from God and from each other! God has to be the center of our lives and our relationships. As we grow closer intimately with God we will grow closer to each other.
Close the meeting with a time for prayer…pray for each individual and/or couple to continue to experience intimacy in their relationship with the Father and they would begin to experience the greatest intimacy ever with their spouse (or future spouse)!

Prayer:
Take advantage of the smaller group to pray in groups of two or three. Pray through the acts that increase intimacy in your relationships.

LEADER’S NOTE: Feel free to ask another member of the group to lead the prayer time. Consider alternatives to simply creating a list of prayer requests. For example, the group could write concerns on paper and pass to another group member to pray over throughout the week or start the prayer/conversation and ask people, in one or two sentences, to share what is currently on their minds.

Additional Resources